While it has been quite a while since my last article on Understanding My Journey it has not been very long since I have had serious thoughts of a life less fettered. I am Aware.
I am Aware of all of my bullshit as it pertains to my life. The walls, the hiding, the lack of serious commitment to anyone other than myself. I am Aware of all of it and I have been for quite sometime. Why?
I began this Journey of a life less fettered many years ago before I began talking about it. This Journey is about me. It is not about anyone else. You all have your own Journeys to complete, and as romantic as it may sound, I just do not believe that any of us will see each other again after the lights go out, because I definitely don’t remember any of you before the lights came on.
Awareness of my walls. I know they are there. I have been painting them, silly. I built them over time and if you want in YOU need to climb them. I have walls for many different purposes.
I have a wall for Trust and it is a very small one. I keep this wall up because it makes me comfortable, yet somehow I am far to trusting and I tend to get trampled. I am easily led to lend money or lend a hand and many times it leads me to have less faith in humanity.
I have a wall for Sexuality and it is a fairly strong one. I keep this wall up because I have been hurt. I won’t let you in all the way and I have only ever been able to let one person over this wall so far.
I have a wall for Friendship and it is thick and almost impenetrable. Not many people have had the fortitude to move into the group of people I would help “no matter what”. I have many acquaintances, but of true friends I have few.
I have been accused of many things in my life that are negative. The issue with that is simple: I don’t care. It isn’t that I don’t care because I am those negative things. I just don’t care what you think. Here lies the issue: people want me to care about what they think about me.
I don’t care.
I do this not in the negative …”Fuck you” sort of way… I do this in the hooray ME for “being me” sort of way. I like me and I have found that I only need me to be happy. It’s what many of you would call “Bullshit”, but it’s my thinking on it.
I don’t need any of you to make me happy. That’s my job. But, I would like you all to amplify my happiness and to not try to degrade it. People that degrade my happiness get the boot. It’s not a threat, and furthermore, if I degrade your happiness by all means show me the door.
My lack of commitment to you in your eyes looks more like a commitment to myself in my eyes. I am committed to me and it is the first relationship I nurture. I can not nurture another relationship without the relationship to myself.
Why do I hide? Sometimes it is better to remain hidden. Invisibility is another wall. Sometimes I am just off the radar and it makes me happy and my happiness is important to me.
I am Aware and I am Happy.